


Of Monster Hunters and Halloween Candy

by ShaneDarkwin



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gen, candy war, literally so dumb, this is super random and very dorky, what happens when val and skul are stuck at the sanctuary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 15:14:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11785818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShaneDarkwin/pseuds/ShaneDarkwin
Summary: Valkyrie and Skulduggery have to kill some time at the Sanctuary. Val is hungry and Skul fed up with her shit.total crack tbh





	Of Monster Hunters and Halloween Candy

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, I wrote another thing. Hehe.  
> Feedback is always appreciated, but more importantly I hope this can make you laugh or at least smile on the inside. Somewhere deep within. I'd even be happy about a snort. Anything, guys, for real.

“This sucks.”

“I'm sorry?”

“This, it sucks. Big time.”

“And why would that be, if I may ask?”

“You may not. But since you already have, I'm hungry, I'm stuck here, I was robbed of all my hopes and dreams.”

“I suppose you mean your lunch break.”

“My hopes and dreams, Skulduggery. All of them.”

 Valkyrie dropped her head onto the table and groaned. Without bothering to lift it again, she continued.

“You know, it wouldn't wouldn't even be so horrible if it had been any other day. And I mean _literally_ any other day. But no, no, some high-up desk jockey can't stay alive and it's us little people who have to pay for it.”

  “Valkyrie, the man was head of the City Guards right up until he didn't possess one anymore.”

She gave a sigh. “How long did it take you to come up with that joke?”

“It popped in my head while China was holding her speech during the service, and since poor Arthur's family obviously wasn't in the position to acknowledge or even appreciate my keen wit I had to wait.”

 Valkyrie could hear the pride in his voice and it annoyed her.

“Still, his jurisdiction was the City Guards. He was, like, their leader or something right?” she muttered into the sleeve of her sweater, “so I don't see why China would force us into protective custody along with the remaining people in charge of that. I get it, they have to be kept safe because good old Adrian was, well,...”

“His name was Arthur and he was beheaded” Skulduggery corrected her from the opposite side of the room.

“Yeah, whatever. I understand the importance of protecting these mages given the role they play in keeping the entirety of Roarhaven safe. You don't want more people losing their heads over this. Literally or figuratively.”

Her joke earned a low chuckle. Valkyrie grinned to herself and got to the point.

“But I'm neither City Guard nor one of their superiors, now am I?”

Cocking his head like he always did when he was about to make a witty remark, Skulduggery opened his jaw and was rudely interrupted by his partner.

“No. I'm an Arbiter, same as you. Like, no offence, it's terrible what happened to August-”

“Arthur,” Skulduggery commented, looking down on his phone. Not that Valkyrie would have taken note anyway.

“-and I'm sure his family appreciated the service but I didn't even know the guy existed until we were ordered to the service. On some level, I assume I was always aware the City Guards didn't just operate on their own, but I never heard his name before let alone met him in person.”

While she continued her rant Skulduggery’s gloved fingers kept tapping his screen.

“And to make this perfect,” Valkyrie said, adjusting her position so her voice was less muffled by her arm, “not only is the service itself long enough to make me want to stab myself through an eyeball, the Supreme Mage herself announces we're all being taken into protective custody. Us. We’ve saved the world so many times, I've lost count. We’ve been to alternative dimensions. We have fought actual _gods,_ Skulduggery. Taking us into protective custody is like, like…”

  Before Valkyrie could find a fitting analogy to finish her little rant, her stomach rumbled, shifting her attention elsewhere.

 She lifted her head. Skulduggery was still sitting in the exact same spot he'd sat when she had started complaining. Only that now his attention appeared to be capture by his phone.

Valkyrie pulled a face.

 “Did you hear that? I'm starving. China and what's-his-name took my lunch from me and left me with no opportunity to get my hands on real food.”

“As I have already informed you ten minutes ago,” Skulduggery said, and Valkyrie did her best to ignore the sigh in his tone, “the vending machine they installed in the lobby offers a variety of sandwiches and other, admittedly terribly unhealthy, snacks.”

“ _Real_ food, Skulduggery, I want _real_ food. The stuff from the vending machines tastes like Nye personally patched it together.”

The skeleton detective tilted his head slightly and Valkyrie hung her head.

“Please spare me, I know that comparison was bad.” She covered her face in her hands and resumed talking once more.

“This is why I need food. I can't be witty on an empty stomach. I get all grumpy and sour and my tolerance for your insults shrinks significantly.”

 Valkyrie’s phone vibrated, the noise amplified by the hollow wood it was laying on and caught off guard, Valkyrie jumped. She hit her knee on her desk, cursed and shot Skulduggery a dark glare before he could even say anything. Her partner, however, was so distracted by what he was doing he barely even realised. Then Skulduggery put his phone down at once.

At her desk Valkyrie could feel him looking, nope, grinning at her while opening the message she'd just received. She chose to act like she didn't notice.

Upon being ignored, Skulduggery made a delighted sound somewhat resembling a snort.

 “What”, she muttered with no indication she'd stated a question and continued to type a reply to her girlfriend.

“Oh nothing.”

The amusement in his voice wasn't helping Valkyrie’s nerves one bit. She sighed and turned her phone off. Sitting up straight, she stretched a little, let her eyes wander over her desk. She was rarely ever in this office space China had insisted on assigning them once Valkyrie had finally given in and accepted Skulduggery’s requests to become his partner full-time again. She'd even wanted to hold a ceremony. It had taken Valkyrie a week to.convince her to drop that idea. Granted, it was a sweet gesture and typical of the Supreme Mage to go big whenever she was personally invested in an issue yet Valkyrie had enough problems with the Roarhaven mages as it was already. She surely didn't need the extra whispers about her special relationship with the Supreme Mage on top of it.

 “I am wounded, Valkyrie,” Skulduggery said at last and she was abruptly pulled from her thoughts.

“I'm sorry?”

“You didn't even ask me what I found.”

“I said ‘what’ and you said ‘oh, nothing’.”

“That was clearly an invitation for you to continue the conversation.”

“Well, maybe I didn't want to continue the conversation.”

“My god, you're in a mood.”

 For a moment they both stayed silent. Then, “Allow me to cheer you up.”

 Valkyrie groaned and Skulduggery pretended not to hear her.

 “While you were going on about your own personal crisis I was busy drawing connections between several isolated incidents similar to the very case that led us here.”

Huh. That certainly was good news. A theory was a lead, a lead meant they'd probably also have a suspect and a suspect was a possible arrest. Arresting the guy who'd done this meant no more protective custody for City Guards and therefore also freedom for Valkyrie herself. And freedom meant dinner. With a bit of luck even a date with Militsa at her favourite restaurant.

She looked at Skulduggery waiting for him to present his miraculous idea. When he didn't she sighed again.

“You have my full and unshared attention, go on, please,” Valkyrie said.

“Thank you, Detective Cain, just what I wanted to hear,” he chipped. “Well, over the course of the last 3 years there's been several killings amongst City Guards, most of which occurred on duty.”

“Naturally,” intercepted Valkyrie.

“Naturally, yes. What's a bit out of line though is two specific cases in which higher rank tiers were found dead, either in their homes or cars, one in a bar he occasionally frequented. All of them appeared to have died of natural causes, no two of the same.”

Seemingly pleased with himself Skulduggery adjusted his tie and looked at Valkyrie.

“So uh, what's our theory here? Someone's been murdering his way up City Guard ranks to become chief? Is that what that's called, a chief?”

Skulduggery didn't answer so she shrugged and went on.

“Or do you think it's just some serial killer with a grudge against the City Guards. But why make it seem like natural deaths, I thought serial killers were in it for the thrill, that they seek the spotlight. So not a serial killer?”

Skulduggery picked his phone back up now.

“I've got something here that might help you settle on a theory, I'm sending it to you.”

Valkyrie frowned. Since when was Skulduggery sharing evidence over text?

Her phone vibrated again and the screen read ‘Skulman has shared a video with you’.

She looked up at him.

“A video? Like, surveillance? We do that now?”

For the second time in five minutes she received no answer from him. This was odd. Well, odd _er_ than usual. Skulduggery rarely ever made this big a secret out of his theories. And he'd stopped making her guess what he was on about when she'd turned 18. At least he had until now.

Seeing as she wasn't going to find her answers written on her partners skull she unlocked her phone and clicked the video. Thanks to Roarhaven’s perfect service (one of its best features in Valkyrie’s opinion)  it opened immediately.

For a moment the screen was dark and Valkyrie thought she might have praised the connection a bit too soon but then it was like a cap was lifted and she could make out blurry figures before a bright scenery. Definitely outdoors. There was faint yelling in the background. Probably from the person behind the camera.

Valkyrie furrowed her brow. What was this?

An amateur phone recording?

Before she had more time to wonder what the hell she was even looking at the shapes became clearer and Valkyrie saw a man being chased by something large. The creature had long legs, a long neck and a… beak?

Valkyrie’s forehead wrinkled in confusion.

 “Skulduggery, I don't get it, what is this supposed to-”

 She raised her head to meet her partner's eyes, well, eye sockets and he burst out laughing.

The confused expression on her face was immediately replaced by anger. Anger and slight embarrassment.

She was about to hurl some insults at him or at the very least reply with an intelligent comeback when something about the video struck her as familiar.

 “Wait is that,” she turned up the volume and heard Gracious O’Callahan shriek as he stumbled, rolled and came back to his feet, once again running from the ostrich that seemed determined to hack him to bits”- is that Gracious??”

 Skulduggery was suddenly right next to her, barely containing his excitement.

“This is my favourite part, look.”

 Valkyrie watched Gracious grow taller, taking up more and more of the screen and Donegan’s laughter died. He was running right at his friend. She heard Donegan curse loudly, shout at the other Monster Hunter to “piss off before you get us both killed” but he wouldn't listen. They collided, and the camera caught a great shot of the ostrich’s wide eyes as the two of them fell before it cut off.

 "I genuinely have no idea what to say,” Valkyrie admitted after a moment of silence.

 Beside her Skulduggery was chuckling again, straightening. “It's not every day you get footage like this here.”

 For a moment Valkyrie just blinked, not yet done processing everything that happened. When she was finally ready to speak, Skulduggery was already sat at his own desk again.

 “So, just to get this right, this ‘lead’ you claimed to have-”

“-was a fraud, yes. A mere pretense under which I could get you to unsuspectingly open the file. Element of surprise makes it even better, I dare say.”

 Valkyrie couldn't decide how to answer. On one hand, she was distraught she fell for his trick, so easily, a sarcastic retort felt appropriate. On the other,  she'd very much enjoyed seeing the Monster Hunters meeting their match. She was planning on showing it to Fletcher next time she happened to run into him at Corrival Academy.

 Her stomach rumbled again, this time louder than the previous one, bringing with it all the counterproductive thoughts she'd almost forgotten about.

 A look of distaste spread over Valkyrie’s face. How she hated being stuck here. Stuck here with an empty stomach, no food, no leads. No hope of getting out any time soon. Her day had started so well and ever since she'd arrived at work and Skulduggery had informed her this City Guard lad had met his maker, it had been downhill.

Valkyrie hated sitting here with nothing to do, she hated waiting, she hated-

 Something small and hard hit her in the head, right in the middle of her forehead.

She blinked.

 “Skulduggery, what the actual hell,” Valkyrie hissed, picking a piece of candy up from her desk. A piece of candy that had dared to dent her beautiful, spotless forehead. Valkyrie could already feel the bruise forming.

 Skulduggery merely offered a shrug. “You keep complaining about how hungry you are and since you refuse to go get food, food came to you.”

 She gazed down at the bright pink wrapper.

“It's hard candy,” Valkyrie knocked it against the desk, “it echoes. You could have given me a concussion with this, how would I be supposed to eat this?”

 “Your jaw seems pretty durable, I assumed you could just give it a try. When I bought them I was assured they wouldn't get go bad,” explained Skulduggery, turning over a neon yellow drop as if he were inspecting it.

 “And that was, when? 1982? What even are these, they look vaguely toxic. Not to mention the density. They're like bullets for God’s sake.”

She'd barely finished when another colourful projectile sizzled closely by her head. Followed shortly by another and all of a sudden Valkyrie found herself attacked by a swarm of sweets. With a fierce shriek she slid under her desk.

 “Huh, you're right. Their aerodynamics do resemble those of bullets.”

 For a moment the hail of candy ceased and Valkyrie popped her head out from beside her desk, glaring at her partner.

 “This is hardly target practice, though, now is it?”

 A flash of green next to her eyes wanted to prove her wrong. Valkyrie’s head jerked back involuntarily.

 “Hey, this isn't fair! Stop using magic!” she shouted through the noise of candy hitting wood.

 Hidden from Skulduggery’s view Valkyrie started gathering the sweets in one colourful pile. If he wanted to play foul, he could, but she wouldn't go down without a fight.

Taking a peek to make sure the air was somewhat clear, Valkyrie chugged a small candy towards the opposite end of the room. It went unnoticed. She gave an annoyed huff and grabbed a handful this time, aiming more carefully too.

 Skulduggery exclaimed loudly, and the hollow echo that followed sounded an awful lot like candy meeting skull.

 Their little war continued for a good 10 minutes until both sides had lost interest and ammunition and Valkyrie crawled out from her hiding spot. She rose from the floor with a groan, yawning openly.

 “Where the hell did you even get all this candy?”

“A store.”

“Wow, shocking news.”

“It was you who brought this up, I simply answered your question.”

“Fine, then. Why do you have it? You're a skeleton. You don't eat. Let alone eat any kind of sweets. Wait, would you get cavities?”

“No. And if you really need to know I bought it for Halloween.”

“Halloween.”

“Now you're just repeating the last thing I said.”

“What, no, I- what do you mean you got it for Halloween? Like, for when kids come around to your house?”

“Well, I thought we'd established I don't eat it myself so children would be the only acceptable answer.”

“Your tone is confusing me. You never agree with me. Are you doing this on purpose? You're doing this on purpose. You bought tons of candy to give to children on Halloween but never actually used it. What, why are you grinning? Stop that. Stop grinning.”

“Valkyrie, I'm not doing anything. I'm not sure I've you noticed but my face just looks like that. I'm what the kids call a ‘skeleton’.”

 Valkyrie groaned again. “Okay, whatever, I don't care, I literally don't. I can't do this on an empty stomach.”

 She grabbed her coat and made her way to the door.

 “I'm going downstairs.”

 “But we need to clean this up before China sees the mess we've made. She'll personally have us executed. You know how strict she is with her office policies,” Skulduggery interjected. Despite a lack of physical characteristics she knew he was pouting.

 “You better get cleaning then, eh?”

And like that Valkyrie was out in the hallway, chuckling as she pulled the door shut, hearing Skulduggery shout in protest.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it =)  
> have a nice day, fren!


End file.
